Tuesday, June 25, 2013

The Unthinkable on a Chair

The unthinkable has happened to one of my chairs.  For those that know me personally, I will never disclose which chair has had the mishap.  No amount of torture can crack my secret.

It all began at bedtime.  I was finishing up a Bible story with Son #1, when I heard a chair scrape across the kitchen floor.  From inside Son #1's bedroom, I could hear Son #2 climb up the chair and begin to play with the dishes in the sink.  I continued to read mildly amused with Son #2's curiosity.

After praying with Son #1 and tucking him into bed, I went to check on Son #2.  Lo and behold, Son #2's pants and underwear were wet.  "Oh no!"  I said sorrowfully.  "You missed.  Let me get you a diaper."

I pulled off the wet clothes and grabbed a diaper.  Just as I was about to put the diaper on Son #2, I paused and asked my baby.  "Where did you pee pee?  I don't see it anywhere."  I checked the chair but did not find any pee.  Where could it be?  Then, I made a fatal mistake.

Leaving my naked baby standing on the chair, I went in search of the elusive pee.  I thoroughly searched the corners of each room carefully checking for signs of an accident.  None were found.  How could this be?  There had to be pee somewhere.  I thoroughly searched the house again.  Nothing.  Completely perplexed, I walked back to the kitchen.

As I rounded the corner, a terrible sight met my eyes.  My baby's legs and feet were covered in pea green diarrhea.  A medium sized turd sat neatly beside his right foot.  I gagged and whispered.  "Noooooooooo!  What the ______!  Gross!"

Quickly, I grabbed a bag of wipes.  First, I flushed the turd down the toilet.  Then, I attacked the puddle of diarrhea that had collected at my baby's feet.  Son #2 tap danced in the puddle as I cleaned splashing droplets of nastiness onto his already green legs.   Once the puddle was removed, I went to work on Son #2's legs, feet, and rear.   I think I may have used 2 boxes of wipes cleaning him up.  Son #2 was curious while I cleaned him and tried several times to reach the lower half of his body with his hands.  Every time he did that, I would disinfect his hands in a flurry of soap, water, and wipes.  After what seemed like an eternity, I had sufficiently cleansed my baby.  I dressed him deftly and began to walk him to his room.

While holding hands, Son #2 looked up at me sweetly and said.  "Ba ba."  What was I to do?  The two sippy cups that Son #2 normally uses were in the vicinity of the unthinkable calamity.  Those two sippy cups needed to be boiled before using them again.  I searched in the cabinets and found an old bottle.  I filled the bottle with milk, read Son #2 his Bible story, and tucked him into bed.

Now that my youngest was in bed, I dragged the chair out to the backyard and proceeded to decontaminate it.  While going through the horrific process, one question continued to nag my mind.  Did Son #2 really pee somewhere or was that water from the wash cloth in the sink?  I closed my eyes trying to dismiss the painful realization that Son #2's pee pee "accident" was a sham.  ________!  Had I realized that immediately, the unthinkable would not have happened on my chair!

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