The unthinkable has happened to one of my chairs. For those that know me personally, I will never disclose which chair has had the mishap. No amount of torture can crack my secret.
It all began at bedtime. I was finishing up a Bible story with Son #1, when I heard a chair scrape across the kitchen floor. From inside Son #1's bedroom, I could hear Son #2 climb up the chair and begin to play with the dishes in the sink. I continued to read mildly amused with Son #2's curiosity.
After praying with Son #1 and tucking him into bed, I went to check on Son #2. Lo and behold, Son #2's pants and underwear were wet. "Oh no!" I said sorrowfully. "You missed. Let me get you a diaper."
I pulled off the wet clothes and grabbed a diaper. Just as I was about to put the diaper on Son #2, I paused and asked my baby. "Where did you pee pee? I don't see it anywhere." I checked the chair but did not find any pee. Where could it be? Then, I made a fatal mistake.
Leaving my naked baby standing on the chair, I went in search of the elusive pee. I thoroughly searched the corners of each room carefully checking for signs of an accident. None were found. How could this be? There had to be pee somewhere. I thoroughly searched the house again. Nothing. Completely perplexed, I walked back to the kitchen.
As I rounded the corner, a terrible sight met my eyes. My baby's legs and feet were covered in pea green diarrhea. A medium sized turd sat neatly beside his right foot. I gagged and whispered. "Noooooooooo! What the ______! Gross!"
Quickly, I grabbed a bag of wipes. First, I flushed the turd down the toilet. Then, I attacked the puddle of diarrhea that had collected at my baby's feet. Son #2 tap danced in the puddle as I cleaned splashing droplets of nastiness onto his already green legs. Once the puddle was removed, I went to work on Son #2's legs, feet, and rear. I think I may have used 2 boxes of wipes cleaning him up. Son #2 was curious while I cleaned him and tried several times to reach the lower half of his body with his hands. Every time he did that, I would disinfect his hands in a flurry of soap, water, and wipes. After what seemed like an eternity, I had sufficiently cleansed my baby. I dressed him deftly and began to walk him to his room.
While holding hands, Son #2 looked up at me sweetly and said. "Ba ba." What was I to do? The two sippy cups that Son #2 normally uses were in the vicinity of the unthinkable calamity. Those two sippy cups needed to be boiled before using them again. I searched in the cabinets and found an old bottle. I filled the bottle with milk, read Son #2 his Bible story, and tucked him into bed.
Now that my youngest was in bed, I dragged the chair out to the backyard and proceeded to decontaminate it. While going through the horrific process, one question continued to nag my mind. Did Son #2 really pee somewhere or was that water from the wash cloth in the sink? I closed my eyes trying to dismiss the painful realization that Son #2's pee pee "accident" was a sham. ________! Had I realized that immediately, the unthinkable would not have happened on my chair!