Saturday, August 17, 2013

The Blue Jean Shorts

This last Saturday, my boys and I quietly entered the sanctuary of our church looking for a place to sit.  Son #1 quickly spied a friend and asked to sit with him.  After reviewing church etiquette, Son #1 settled into the pew beside his buddy.  Son #2 and I sat nearby in case there happened to be some monkey business.  I really should not have worried about Son #1.  However, Son #2 had a few surprises up his little preppy sleeve.

At first, Son #2 quietly looked at pictures on my phone.  This kept him amused through the announcements.  Then, he began to fuss and tossed my phone to the ground.  Fortunately, my phone is ridiculously old.  When the phone split apart into three pieces, I shrugged slightly and proceeded to collect the parts off the floor.  Then, I pulled up a demo game and handed it back to the little curmudgeon.  Son #2 fiddled with the buttons and gazed at the screen.  This little game bought me some time.

After the game was done, Son #2 tossed the phone into the aisle.  I tried to pick up the pieces but found it awkward holding my baby.  Son #2 took advantage of my clumsy grasp and wriggled down to the carpet.  He bounded to the pew in front of me and climbed up onto the cushion.  I swiped my baby off the pew as he struggled to get away.  I had a weak grip on him.  Son #2 pushed the pieces of the phone out of my hand to distract me.  Then, he weaseled his way out of my arms again.

This time he headed down the aisle.  I gave him my meanest stinky eye and motioned for him to return.  Son #2 just smiled and promptly removed his blue jean shorts.  My naughty rascal kicked his shorts off, picked them up, and threw them a little further down the aisle.  My eyes grew big with shock.  Did he just get NAKED inside our church?

I began to laugh at the sheer ridiculousness of the situation.  However, I knew I needed to recover from the giggles quickly before Son #2 made a mad dash for the podium.  Once composed, I scrambled after my half naked toddler, lifted him into my arms, and recovered the blue jean shorts.  I rushed back to my seat and dressed the little nudist.  Then, I briefly lectured him on the virtues of staying dressed in church.  Son #2 looked at me with his wide innocent eyes.  When I had finished talking, he motioned for another game on my phone.  I made a sour face but found him a new game.

The new game entertained him for quite some time.  I was in the middle of enjoying a good sermon when my phone flew in an arc to the floor.  Son #2 wriggled from my arms, stripped off his shorts, and proceeded to search for the pieces of my phone down the aisle.


Could the earth just open up and swallow me whole?

Unfortunately, it did not.

I scurried after my exhibitionist and gathered him in my arms.  Then, I scooped up his shorts and my useless phone.  Quickly, I dressed him again.  Will the madness ever end???

Fortunately, the madness did end.  However, my mortification lives on in infamy.


  1. Holy cow! That was an intense morning - toddlers are by far the most challenging feat to date! It's hard during the moment, but by reading this now I hope ya find it somewhat funny! You can look back at this with them when they're older and show them they truly were little rascals!


    p.s I've gone through 2 phones. One he dropped in the toilet, the first I have no idea how he broke it, but mashing all the buttons on a blackberry at once apparently breaks it!

  2. Oh man! Toddlers have a gift for breaking anything. I will definitely save this and show it to my little one when he gets a little older. :P